Friday, May 09, 2008

Wide World of Bacon, Vol I

Stuff to keep you occupied in the twilight hours of the work week

Baconworld Next week is vacation time for me, so blogging will (probably) be light-to-nonexistent.  If all goes well I will have a fully refitted bathroom, many more hours logged on the Wii, empty bottles of scotch and pictures of cute wild animals.  If things go poorly I will be short one bathroom, have fragments of a Wii, bottles of wild animals, and pictures of scotch.

Thanks largely to Kateland and JMH, I have some goodies to pass on to all of you today, from the non-intersecting (but equally interesting) worlds of bacon and airpower.

  • Bacon bandages!  (via Kateland)  Somebody must think this is a good idea, but count me out.  There's something just a little off about this concept.
  • Bacon air freshener (via Kateland).  Depending on the scent quality this could be a really, really good idea, or an abomination to all mankind.  Theoretically it should beat the hell out of those disgusting pine-scented fresheners.  On the other hand, your odds of going through the drive through every day to get a bacon cheeseburger will go up by a gazillion percent.
  • The bacon-scented, bacon-patterned tuxedo (also via Kateland).  I like bacon a lot, but I love Wanda a lot more, and I am pretty certain she would kill me if I were to try and wear something like this outdoors.  Or even off-duty lounging around the house.  I'm reasonably sure I would kill me if I tried to wear anything like a bacon tux.  The thing that kills me about this photo is the woman.  She is wearing a semi-traditional mandarin-collared dress, suitable for a variety of special occasions, and she has her hand draped over the guy's shoulder with casual familiarity, as if any woman in her right mind would want to be associated with a buffoon in a bacon suit.  The guy, meanwhile, is doing his best to look smooth wearing something whose only possible special occasion is his death and consumption in a giant BLT by fashion-conscious cannibals.

EU3 mod Magna Mundi Gold 2

With the next expansion due out in 20 days, I have started playing Europa Universalis III again.  Tried out the Magna Mundi Gold 2 mod, which is an enormous improvement over previous mod versions, with lots and lots of historical detail and enhancements.  The only downside is that it has completely destroyed my usual playing style, although that is something of a plus, too.

THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR

Typically I play northern European countries, because it is fun to stick pins in France and the Holy Roman Empire.  When I play England, I like to try to win back Normandy and Caux in the game-opening Hundred Years War.  Vassalising Armagnac and Foix is also something of a priority.

Under the original MMG mod, this wasn't too big a deal.  Yes, you start with only 11,000 Englishmen versus 30,000 Frenchmen, but you used to have a couple of highly skilled generals as well.  Invade Armagnac, get a couple of loans, hire a wad of mercenaries in Gascogne and southern England, and dispatch the bulk of them to northern France.  Most French armies start the game in the south, poised to invade English-held Gascony, and by the time they have taken Gascony and marched north to meet you, you've already occupied Paris and most of northern France.  They have no choice but to roll over and accept your demands.

Well, that doesn't work anymore.  In-game, John Neville is no longer the medieval Stormin' Norman.  Mercenaries can no longer be hired in mass quantities right at game start, so the puny 1000-man Gascony garrison gets obliterated.  The only thing that can save them is frantic diplomacy to get military access from Armagnac or Foix.  There they will sit out the remainder of the war, while 30,000 Frenchmen prowl around the surrounding territories, taunting them to come out and fight.

Magna Mundi Gold 2 also increases the average fort strength, so sieges take a lot longer.  You can no longer romp through northern France like Erwin Rommel on summer vacation.  Sieging Paris's 5,000-strong fort takes literal years.  Ample time for the French armies clustered in the south to march north and kick your sorry ass off the Continent.  The best outcome you can hope for, if you fight tooth and nail, is to end up with a white peace and a likely rematch 5-10 years later.  The most usual outcome is for Gascony or Calais to end up part of the French patrimony while England gets overwhelmed by revolts in the Wars of the Roses.

Finally (and I'm not sure if this is part of MMG2), France's manpower levels are just off the charts compared to England.  My armies reinforced much more slowly, at about 400 men per month, so it took ages to get back up to fighting strength after a particularly bloody outing.

I ended up fighting to a draw on the game-opening war, then warned France not to start any wars, and guaranteed the independence of a lot of itty bitty French minors.  The idea was to wait until one of the minors sucked France into a war with another European major (like Castile or Aragon), then seize the opportunity and grab Normandy and Caux back again.  Which I did, although it is worth noting that even the combined fighting forces of Castile, Aragon, England and Brittany were barely able to pull it off.  In the game, much as in history, France is THE Continental superpower.  In 1453, no other Western European nation comes close.

WARS OF THE ROSES

The Wars of the Roses have also been upgraded, gone are the small, easily-dispatched peasant revolts.  Now you face rebel armies that are numerically superior by far, and since most of your starting armies and manpower will be completely depleted by the fighting in France, you have no choice but to bring troops home quickly to impose law and order.  Chances are the rebels are going to take a couple of provinces.  If you don't get them back in a timely fashion, they may even declare independence from England itself.  So keep the home county rebellions suppressed.

Imposing that law and order is no picnic either.  Your stability drops to -2 (or horror of horrors, -3) and you will spend the next ten years fighting off massive rebel armies (if you're lucky), or foreign invasions from supporters of York or Lancaster (if you're unlucky).

I lucked out a little by getting a 6-starred artist as court advisor (which grants considerably bonuses to national stability).  I further lucked out by gaining Scotland as an ally, which allowed me to grant them military access (and therefore give them the problem of quelling revolts in Northumberland and Cumbria).

Often in EU3 AARs, I see guys playing England give up their French turf and rush to invade Scotland.  I don't understand that at all.  Scotland starts the game allied with France, but not at war with you.  Why drag your home territories into a two-front war for no good reason?  Your best window of opportunity for dealing with Scotland (diplomatically or military) is centuries.  Your best window of opportunity for taking territory from continental France is at game's start.  After that, France starts to absorb her smaller neighbours and vassals, and only gets more powerful.  The longer you wait, the more difficult and impossible it becomes.  So make nice with the Scots, send lots of gifts; get them as allies and they will defend your northern territories from rebellious subjects while you're putting the boots to their putative allies, the French.

Personally, I like to let Scotland hang in there for a good long while, they are one of the best allies you can have and never fail to contribute troops to my harebrained invasion schemes.  I get a big laugh out of watching them go to war with Norway (over the Orkneys), and asbolutely shellack the hell out of the Norwegians without me having to come bail them out.

In one game Scotland and Portugal (both allies of mine) ended up at war with each other because of their vassals.  It was ridiculous.  Portugal is no slouch in the fighting department either, but Scotland absolutely walked all over them.  Destroyed the Portuguese fleet with a much smaller Scottish fleet, and had half the country occupied in the first couple months.  Portugal eventually coughed up money to end the war, but I thought I was about to see the Scots start colonising Iberia.  Too many times in EU3, you get allies who start a fight with a huge adversary and then expect you to come save them from destruction. In Eu3, Scotland starts and ends its own fights, and that's okay by me.  They will eventually get absorbed into Great Britain, but I'm never in a rush to do it.  Ireland is far more prone to the small-vassal-starting-huge-war syndrome, so I like to get them squared away first.

THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE

The gent who coded this part of the mod really outdid himself.  He created a system to gauge the Emperor's relative power and influence.  The more powerful the Emperor, the less likely it is that the various districts of the Empire will want to set up their own administrative units (or circuits).  Conversely, the weaker the Emperor gets, the more the Empire's component states will seize opportunities to expand their own influence.

And as Emperor, you have a duty to protect the rights of the Empire's component states.  So if someone within (or without) invades an Imperial state, you will be called upon to formulate a response.  That response can run the gamut from tacit acceptance to diplomatic/economic sanctions, from supporting dissidents and arming rebels to outright war.  And if it comes to war, the various member states will actually contribute troops, manpower and money to the war effort.  These are serious improvements to the standard game's HRE mechanics, which are lacklustre at best.

I'm looking forward to seeing what the Reformation looks like in this new version, because prior iterations were quite tepid.  Realistically there should be a whole lot of intrafaith whoopass going on until around 1648.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

God keep our land glorious and ignorant

Overheard some colleagues discussing the Democratic primaries and 2008 presidential contenders in general.  Could not be a more perfect example of smug Canadian bubbleheadedness.  They are busy nodding in knowing agreement that Senator McCain will be the next President, because certain parts of America (read: everywhere) are too backward, sexist, racist and stupid to vote for a woman or a black man.  They are also busy being proud that no serving Canadian Prime Minister has ever been assassinated.

Entirely missing from the discussion is the realisation that a woman has never been elected Prime Minister of Canada in a general election.  A woman succeeded to the office by virtue of winning her party's leadership convention, but (and it is an important but) the one time in Canadian history a female Prime Minister faced the public in a general election, she was soundly defeated and her party reduced to a two-seat rump.

Also missing is the realisation that in Canada, a black man has never, ever been one of the top two leadership contenders for one of our four currently-elected federal parties.

Yet somehow our southern brothers are the backward, sexist, racist and stupid ones.

Hail the Almost-Queen!

Sarkozy_jean
(REUTERS image by Philippe Wojazer)

I'm not sure what tickles me most about the Governor General's recent visit to France:

  • The media of (republican!) France getting all knock-kneed and waxing poetic about the "almost Queen of Canada".
  • The Bloc Québécois losing their minds, accusing Premier Charest of failing to defend Quebec's international profile, leaving it up the "representative of the Queen of England" to mark the event.
  • Frozen Tex's side-splitting comment at Dust My Broom"Almost Queen...!" Somewhere, Adrienne Clarkson is screaming "THAT SHOULD BE ME!!!"

Talking back to 80s music

Listen bub, I don't care what you're fighting for, but let's get one thing straight.  A ship never uses oars.  "Boat" is the term you're looking for.  If you get confused about whether a vessel is a ship or a boat, remember this handy little aphorism:  if it's small enough to be carried on another type of vessel, it's a boat.  If it's too large to do that, it's a ship.

This is a boat.  So is this.  And this, too.

This (the big green one) is a ship; the little bathtub toy beside it is a 100ft pilot boat.  This is also a ship.  Note again the presence of the little white dandruff-flakes surrounding it, a.k.a. boats.  This is definitely a ship; note the cute little USS Missouri (887ft) in the background.

Ship are never oar-powered, to try to bring them in to shore under oar propulsion would probably take a few thousand men and the remaining years of your natural life.  Just sayin'.

(Blame "Horton Hears A Who" for this micro-rant)

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Fix the damn place, already

The Auditor General is making noise about repairs to Rideau Hall and 24 Sussex Drive, the official residences of the Governor General and Prime Minister, respectively.

“The official residences are more than housing provided to the country’s senior government leaders. They are part of Canada’s heritage and need to be preserved,” said Ms. Fraser.

...The Report notes, however, that there have been no major renovations to the Prime Minister’s residence at 24 Sussex Drive for fifty years. The windows, the heating and air conditioning system, the electrical system, and the plumbing are all nearing the end of their life cycle and are in poor condition. This creates significant loss of heat and steadily rising heating costs, as well as discomfort for the occupants.

The NCC estimates that completely rehabilitating 24 Sussex Drive would cost about $10 million and would require full access to the residence for a minimum of 12 to 15 months.

-- "Rideau Hall and 24 Sussex Need Extensive Repairs", Office of the Auditor General of Canada, May 6th, 2008.

The bad news, though, is that the Prime Minister has no plans to vacate his homestead in order for the required repairs to be executed.

Although her report could be seen as giving a sitting prime minister the political cover needed to spend public money to fix the home he lives in, a spokesperson for Harper said he's not leaving.

"The PM and his family find 24 Sussex adequate to their needs and see no reason for a substantial renovation at this time. The Harpers have no plans to vacate 24 Sussex between now and the next election," Carolyn Stewart-Olsen, the prime minister's press secretary, said in an e-mail message.

-- David Akin, "Auditor says 24 Sussex falling apart; Harper will stay put".  Canwest News Service, May 6th, 2008.

This is a little odd considering both the Governor General and Prime Minister have completely functional four-season alternate residences.  Why the reticence?

The GG's alternate residence is the Citadelle of Québec.  According to M. Francois Leblanc, Chief Architect of the National Capital Commission, the residence is comprised of 153 rooms covering approximately 4,459 square metres (48,000 square feet), and there are private areas comprising ten rooms.  As you can see by the online tour, Her Excellency's second official residence is nice enough, if a tad too modern (read: bland) in some areas.  The fort was actually the primary residence of the GG, back when they were British military governors and Québec a mere occupied French colony.

The PM's alternate residence is Harrington Lake / Lac Mousseau, in the Gatineau Hills of Québec.  It's far less regal and imposing than the Citadel, but then it was built as a summer cottage, not a fortified redoubt.  Once again according to M. Leblanc, the complex is spread out over 13 acres, has one main building with 16 rooms covering approximately 8,300 square feet, and eight outbuildings.  I highly recommend you check out the link to see the gaudily rustic and kitschy dining room, decorated in a style that is guaranteed to repel anyone not stuck in a 1980s-vintage Dallas re-run.

I realise that these locations will not be nearly as convenient as the primary residences in Ottawa, but let me suggest a few ways the PM and GG could liven up their potentially year-long stays at the alternates:

THE CITADELLE

  • New civil service dress code: powdered wigs, pantaloons and stockings for men.  Enormous headdresses, bonnets and whalebone corsets for women.  Snuff boxes for all.
  • Refuse Royal Assent to bills unless addressed by underlings as "My Liege".
  • Vessels (of any size or nationality) passing the Citadelle must dip their colours or receive cannon fire.
  • Tourists may be press-ganged into vice-regal staff for any duty/role for any length of time.  Successful completion of duties may result in Senate or Supreme Court appointment.

HARRINGTON LAKE

  • Required dress: Hats with fishing lures stuck in them, and green hip-waders (applies to both genders).  The press must be given an opportunity to fixate on a photo more ridiculous than the one with PM in the ill-fitting vest and cowboy hat.
  • All non-Cabinet visitors and functionaries must present a personally-landed game fish (in season and within length/weight regulations) in order to conduct business of state.  Perch and small bass do not count.
  • Cabinet meetings by campfire.  Ministers must tell scary ghost story before their motion can be heard.  Lesser ministers not on the powerful Priorities and Planning Committee must bring ingredients for S'mores.

I am confident that with a little prodding, the Governor General and Prime Minister can find a way to relocate so that renovations to their primary residences may proceed.

(Hat tip to the vox populi, Mr. David Akin).

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Beware the guy with "guru" in his job description

Ironmanposter

We all know how well the 3-D internet (that was just around the corner in 1995) worked out, right?  Apparently that sort of wild detachment from reality is not limited to nerd futurists who want you to spend every moment of your existence in Second Life.  I spotted this howler today while trawling for aviation news:

The Marvel comic book character's suit embodies a futuristic technology that may enhance human capabilities in war, but the current battlefield belongs to a growing swarm of unmanned aerial vehicles (UAV) and robots that could someday give even Iron Man a run for his money. UAVs clocked more than 500,000 hours in the air by the beginning of 2008, performing many of the tasks normally done by piloted aircraft.

"There's a scene of Iron Man flying against [F-22] Raptors," said Pete Singer, Brookings Institute defense expert and author of the forthcoming book "Wired for War." "Those are among the last generation of manned fighter jets."

-- Jeremy Hsu, "'Iron Man' Hero Personifies Modern Military Contractors". 
Space.com, May 2nd, 2008.

[emphasis mine]

I take no issue with the article's main thrust, that civilian contractors are increasingly taking on roles once reserved for the uniformed services.  But that little bit of extrapolation—citing the hours logged by UAVs, then the assertion the that Raptor is one of the last of its kind—is pure B.S.

While UAVs have logged an impressive amount of hours, it's important to note that every single combat-deployed unmanned aerial system today fulfills two roles:  first, ISR (intelligence, surveillance, and reconnaissance); second, ground strike.  The F-22 Raptor has some capabilities in these areas, but they are not its primary mission. It is purpose-built to destroy opposition air dominance fighters, something no current UCAS has been ever been asked to do.

It is also important to note that today's UCASes are operating in permissive environments.  They are not being targeted by enemy aircraft, their heat signatures do not lend themselves to targeting by IR-guided MANPADs, their C4 signals are not being degraded by enemy ECM, their bases are not subject to sustained ground and air assault, and so on.

We have not yet combat-fielded any UCAS system capable of playing in the air dominance realm.  Announcing that the Raptor is among the last of manned fighters is a wee bit premature.  In fact, there are plenty of good reasons to keep pilots in cockpits and not—like USAF's MQ-9 Reaper/MQ-1 Predator operators—sitting at a CONUS base.

First and foremost because air combat manoeuvring requires situational awareness, quick thinking and judgement that only a human in the cockpit can provide.  There is a reason fighters have those huge plexiglass canopies; take the human out of the cockpit and you impair his situational awareness—which also (and not coincidentally) impairs his combat effectiveness.  This is not a big risk for ISR or strike-oriented platforms in permissive airspace where nobody is shooting back at you, but it's a risk for UCASes playing in contested airspace.  We will have to develop new UCAS interfaces that make it possible for guys in a building staring at tiny screens to be able to go head-to-head with manned air dominance fighters.  This is doubly important when one considers that going up against opposing stealth fighters means decreased warning and detection time, and a likely return to dogfighting at close range.  One area where UCAS systems will have the edge is manoeuvrability; they will not have to stay within G-force limits that prevent a human pilot from blackout (or redout).

Second, the command and control links from CONUS to overseas theatres are a lot more vulnerable than a guy sitting in a cockpit.  A smart, capable adversary will likely find it easier to destroy the space-based C4ISR links.  You get the double advantage of grounding the UCASes and seriously hampering the American military's entire network-centric doctrine, all without shedding a single drop of human blood.  Ask yourself whether a present or future Congress would be willing to go to war for dead satellites; my inner cynic says not in my lifetime.  A near-peer adversary would find it politically and militarily advantageous to destroy or degrade network capability with a minimum loss of human life.  If the pilots are physically removed from the cockpit, you don't have to destroy the aircraft or even the host facility.  You just have to prevent the pilots from being able to communicate with the aircraft.

UCAS systems are certainly a boon, and we are only beginning to explore their capabilities, but I am reasonably certain there will be additional manned air dominance fighters in the Fifth Generation  and beyond.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

The downside of bacon-on-demand

stove_ownership
(From the xkcd webcomic; hat tip to Dax)

Friday, May 02, 2008

Not adding up

Durham Regional Police officers converged on St. Mary Catholic Secondary School, on Whites Rd. near Finch Ave., at around 9 a.m. after receiving calls of a fight.

“It looks like there was a confrontation with two students involved,” said Sgt. Paul McCurbin.

One student was taken to an area hospital with injuries described as non-life threatening.

McCurbin said police have locked down the school while they search for the other.

“There is no threat to the community, no threat to the school, no threat to the staff either,” he said.

-- Jackson Hayes, "Lockdown at Pickering school after fight".  Toronto Star, May 2nd, 2008.

If there's no danger to the students, or the staff, or the public... What is the point in locking everyone in their classrooms?  Worried you can't find the guy?  Does he live at "no fixed address?"  Is he an shady itinerant longshoreman that works the ore carriers of the Great Lakes, registered in every high school from here to Michigan?

Could you not send a squad car to the fella's home after school, and pick him up?  No?

DurhamRegion.com News has more:

Although there were no threats involving the school or the nearby community, St. Mary was locked down following the incident simply because both of the students involved attend the school, located on Whites Road just south of Finch Avenue.

If my old high school went into lockdown every time there was a fight between two (or more) students, we'd have been in lockdown twice a day, at least.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Bacon of the Month Club

Boarbacon No, I am not joking.  There really is such a thing.

For a hundred and fifty bucks a month year, plus shipping, you can have new and exotic bacon delivered to your door once a month by a site called The Grateful Palate.

Here is what the proprietor has to say on the subject:

I've made it a life goal to seek and find great bacons from all over the United States.  Every year I taste hundreds of bacons and from my tastings I select the best of the best to be in my catalog.  You can order bacons individually or in combos.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around tasting hundreds of bacons every year.  People get paid for that?  Man am I ever on the wrong career track.

  • An 18th century plutocrat stuck at the corner of commerce and industry in the 21st.

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